The Elephant

Or, When Dynamics at Family Gatherings Leave Something Wanting

Dennis and I are teetotalers. Please forgive the wine-looking glasses. AI will produce one glass of water that looks like a glass by itself. But after a zillion times of trying to get it to make the dinner glasses look like glasses of water, I give up.

The holidays are upon us, a time of family and cheer—or not.

It's a sad fact that the emotional support system we look for in family is, many times, simply not there. As a meme on Facebook says, "Be sure to bring up politics at Thanksgiving dinner. It'll save you a lot of money on Christmas gifts." In other words, not every family member is going to be accepting of your words, your beliefs, your life choices, or maybe even of you. And there are those who will let you know it, too.

I recently joined a Christian Crochet group on Facebook where, sad to say, this dynamic is frequently mentioned. Being a "Christian" group, the members feel comfortable asking for prayer. And one topic that comes up frequently? No acceptance or love shown from certain family members. What to do? What to do?

Some family members are snubbed because they do not make "a lot" of money. Some family members are slighted because they do not have the assignation of "being somebody." And on and on and on. I've even seen family members snubbed and belittled because their skin was "too dark," they were "too fat," or "dressed poorly." Sad to say, this mini list only scratches the surface of interfamily turmoil. However, such family drama is nothing new.

The Bible offers examples galore of this type of disfunction. The first brothers on earth struggled with jealousy. The catalyst of Joseph's sold-into-slavery saga stemmed from sibling rivalry. Then there was the belittling of David the shepherd boy by his brothers and later the incest and fighting among King David's progeny. Even Jesus knew the sting of a brother's derogatory words (John 7:3-5). It seems that family disfunction is much more prevalent than what smiling Facebook pictures and situation comedies present.

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Perhaps much of this arises from the fact that there's just something in the natural man that causes him to strive for supremacy. It's particularly sad when it's found in the family, that special place where even the most hardened of us looks for a sense of belonging, trust, and support. Unfortunately, sometimes the family members we look to choose to embrace the chicken syndrome, that is, they act like chickens, those scrawny critters that enjoy pecking their weaker peers mercilessly. Maybe it's the way of the world , beloved, but we are in the world, not of it.

We have been called to love unconditionally, to be perfect as our Father in Heaven is perfect (Matthew 5:48). Jesus left us the greatest example not only when He forgave His tormentors as He hung on the cross, but when He washed the disciples' feet. Incredibly, verse 3 of John 13 tells us, right before Jesus washed their feet, He knew "that the Father had given all things into his hands, and that he was come from God, and went to God," nonetheless, even aware of all this, He humbly knelt and washed their feet. The master, knowing who would betray Him, knowing that all things were given to Him, deigned to wash the feet of those who would sell Him out. He washed the feet of Judas. He washed the feet of Peter, the one who would with curses deny His Lord not one, not two, but three times. These were men who had been at His side all during His ministry. They knew Him. They were like family to Him. And yet they turned on Him.

Why was it that no one at that Passover table knew who the traitor was? Because Jesus didn't treat Judas any differently. He spoke as kindly to him as He did to all the rest. He washed his feet as He did to all the rest. By no look or word did He betray the knowledge of the evil lurking within Judas' breast. What an example. Jesus treated Peter and Judas with the same kindness He extended to the rest. No difference. If He could do it, so can we. He prayed in Gethsemane, "As thou hast sent me into the world, even so have I also sent them into the world" (John 17:18). It's not easy, but if Jesus could do it, so can we. As He loved, so can we.

There is a verse I never did understand till I came into my own personal AD (age of Dennis in my life). When I would grouse about feeling put out or looked down upon (one of the underlying threads in my life story), Dennis would quote Galatians 2:6 to me, "But of these who seemed to be somewhat, (whatsoever they were, it maketh no matter to me: God accepteth no man's person:) for they who seemed to be somewhat in conference added nothing to me." How highly someone thinks of themselves, Dennis explained, is totally irrelevant to my own importance. Whatever prestige they have, real or imagined, is nothing to me. What they are does not in any way diminish who I am. It is before God that I stand or fall. His opinion of me is all that matters.

And what does God say of me? He has adopted me into His family (Galatians 4:5-6). He lives in me (Galatians 2:20). He accepts me (Romans 15:7). I am precious to Him (Psalm 139:17-19). He has a unique plan of good works for me (Ephesians 2:10). He has a wonderful future for me (Romans 8:18). I am chosen to show forth the praises of Him who has called me out of darkness into His marvelous light (1 Peter 2:9). This being the case, what does it matter what a mere human thinks of me, be they family or not?

It is to be noted, however, that just as when someone offends us and we find that we have to "re-forgive" multiple times before it "takes," in like manner we might have to "re-forgive" the snide or cruel remarks of our prickly family member. However many times necessary, until it "takes" (Matthew 18:21-22).

Knowing what God thinks of us helps—but that does not mean that the pain of vengeful actions will not be felt. I have known kind friends who have not been allowed to see grandchildren for vengeance's sake. I have known friends omitted from obituaries in a sophomoric retaliation for perceived injustices. It is a sad truth that all that family should be to us in this world is not always so. And while It's one thing to work with someone who is demeaning, when it's family, the pain is in a special category all its own. David wrote of friends who did him wrong, "For it was not an enemy that reproached me; then I could have borne it: neither was it he that hated me that did magnify himself against me; then I would have hid myself from him: but it was thou, a man mine equal my guide, and mine acquaintance. We took sweet counsel together and walked unto the house of God in company " (Psalm 55: 12-14). How can we live in the face of such treachery? And, more to the point, how should we react?

There might be times when the vitriol is such that we do need to limit our times with those family members. There might be subjects we need to NOT address in their presence. Jesus said, "Be wise as serpents" (Matthew 10:16). He didn't say, "Be serpents," He said, "Be wise as serpents." We are not to degrade ourselves by retaliating in kind, by acting in an ungodly way, but we should walk with wisdom towards those who, because they do not know the Lord or have not yielded to Him as they should, act in evil ways.

Dennis used to pray for prickly coworkers, "Lord, bless them, save them, and send them somewhere else." It always worked in the workplace scenarios for him. What would a similar prayer look like within the family? Perhaps, "Lord, bless them and keep me from retaliating or holding a grudge"? Whatever your situation, God has the perfect answer, the perfect solution, the perfect action for you to take. All you have to do is ask Him (James 1:5).

Nothing worth having is easy. Familial peace often comes with a hefty price. But again we have Jesus's example, "who for the joy that was set before him endured the cross, despising the shame, and is set down at the right hand of the throne of God" (Hebrews 1:2). Peace is attainable to us. We might have to pray through our own Gethsemane, but if we set our faces like flint towards the prize, the time will come when we will have it. Maybe not the way we originally envisioned, but it will be worth the cost.

May this coming season of family time truly be your most blessed ever, filled with the peace of His presence.

"God hath called us to peace" (1 Corinthians 7:15).

"And above all these things put on charity, which is the bond of perfectness. And let the peace of God rule in your hearts, to the which also ye are called in one body; and be ye thankful" (Colossians 3:14-15).