Not the Only One

In David Copperfield, one of Dicken's intriguing characters is a peevish old widow , Mrs. Gummidge, who thinks she has sole ownership to feelings of loss. She says, " I am a lone lorn creetur ... and everthink goes contrary with me" and, in somewhat narcissistic fashion, "I feel it more than other people." I hate to admit it, but I've been a Gummidge more often than not.

One of the overriding prayers in my quiet time has been based on Ephesians 3:16-19, "to know the love of Christ". I've walked decades with Jesus and, sadly, the great honeymoon joy has waned. Valleys in life, hurts in life, discouragement in life--each hurdle has rubbed a little more off that shiny joy until one day I realized it was missing. And though my head knew that God loved me--I believe the Scriptures and I know God doesn't lie--my heart was another matter.

I went through the motions of serving God, reading my Bible, worshiping, with no corresponding feeling in my heart. There were moments when I sensed God's presence, but that real, deep seated knowing He loved me? Nope, not there.

Now, we know that God loves transparency. David wrote: "O when wilt thou come unto me? I will walk within my house with a perfect heart" (Psalm 101:2). This passage seems to show a causative link between walking in transparency with God and enjoying His presence. Not to mention the fact that (hello!) He's omniscient so He kinda already knows my heart. Anyway, in a nod to the transparency I know He desires, I'd preface my request with, "I know in my head that You love me, it's in Your Word, but I don't feel it. Please, Lord, let me sense Your love." I'd be honest with God, but truth be told, I hid this dirty little secret from my fellow believers, even from hubby Dennis. It was too ... shameful? How could I not feel the love of God????

Then came an interview on the Christian Broadcasting Network with a well-known actress turned Christian. And guess what. She had the same problem! She had a hard time feeling God's love. It was hard to believe that God loved her. I don't know if this somehow tipped the scale, but it was so comforting to know I wasn't the only one facing this seemingly insurmountable issue. That I wasn't just a horrible, hard-hearted maverick immune to the presence of God suffering from a Gummidge syndrome! What can I say? It gave more impetus to my prayer. And, as Ecclesiastes 3:17 says, "there is a time to every purpose".

This time, when I prayed and asked God to help me feel His love, I distinctly heard Him say, "Put your eyes on Me. Praise Me." It wasn't an audible voice, but a strong impression in my heart that let me know unequivocally that I had heard from God.

Yes, I had praised God before. Yes, I had put my mind on Him when I prayed and worshiped. But now, as I did it purposefully in obedience to His personal directive to me, something wonderful happened. I felt the love of God for me.

So, what is the end of the matter? Do you feel alone? Do you struggle to feel that indescribable, wonderful presence of God? Do you feel that God has passed you by? Do not quit praying! Keep on keeping on! The time for your answer from God will come!

Why didn't God let me sense His presence earlier? Why did I have to pray for years before receiving my answer? I don't know. As Dr. Zeus would say, " Go ask your dad." He's the One Who has all the answers!

By the way, at the end of David Copperfield, Mrs. Gummidge does an about-face and becomes a stalwart helper of all that is good, leaving her mealy-mouthed grumbling behind. I'm glad I can say the same for myself.

"For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life" (John 3:16).

"But God commendeth his love toward us, in that, while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us " (Romans 5:8).

 "Nay, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him that loved us. For I am persuaded, that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor powers, nor things present, nor things to come, nor height, nor depth, nor any other creature, shall be able to separate us from the love of God, which is in Christ Jesus our Lord" (Romans 8:37-39).